Listen Like a Pro

I had been married to Liz for ten years and listened to her quite badly until one day back in 2016 when my eyes were opened to what good listening is and who I could be to Liz. I went home that night and thought, 'I must practise this'. To my complete delight after ten minutes of me trying, quite clunkily, to listen really well, Liz turned to me and said 'what have you done? The kids aren’t screaming and I feel completely listened to!' 

That was just the beginning of a ten-year journey that continues every day. We can all name people who don’t listen to us well. Often they are in our family, regularly they are in our work and they may even be our partner!  Listening is a deeply powerful thing and when done well it can transform the most difficult of conversations. It transformed and continues to transform my marriage and my parenting, it makes me better at business. But when I don’t listen well, when I react, when I jump in to reply to my kids (because of course I know the answer and what they are going to say) it can ruin a conversation and create a muddle of mess that needs to be unravelled. I would rather spend time walking well through the terrain of my relationships than constantly having to unravel.

If you have been coached by me you will know that I often talk about TAPES - Time, Air, Playback, Empathy and Summarise, but there is one letter I want to focus on today – and that is the P.

We are deeply complex beings with many thoughts and emotions and even the most eloquent of us don’t know ourselves perfectly. The way we get to know ourselves is to speak and be given space to speak. Playback gives that space.

Playback is simply playing back, as much as you can, what you have just heard the person said. It’s not parroting, it is not a test, it is not 'Can I say exactly what the person says', but it is showing the other person you heard. It is like a mirror that gives them a chance to reflect. And that is all you need to do. It is what I did with Liz. I asked her about her day and she then told me. But instead of me asking probing questions – 'why didn’t you get the northern line? How did you feel? What did so-and-so say?' I just played back her day. And with no agenda, no question at the end. Then, to my delight, she kept on talking. She volunteered more information. She started to talk about how little time she had with her team and was frustrated. So I played back again. Yes it feels weird to you, but it gives air and space to the other. And she kept talking. She ended up revealing she felt like a rubbish mother because her head was so full of unfinished work when she picked our kids up she couldn’t be present. That was the gold I was searching for and we ended up having a beautiful conversation about that. 

Of the thousands of people I have coached, many nations and many different personalities, 99% of the time there has always been something more that person has on their mind and wants to say. I can either show no interest and just move on to the next thing, ask another question, or I can create a space where that person is given a bit more air to speak. That’s what playback is about. And the trick is not to ask any questions, just let that playback hang in the air and see what they say. It will create deep connection. But it does require work.

I dare you to try this this week. Here’s a promise for you – you will feel awkward. You will want to ask a question. You will think the other person will catch you out. You will be tempted to zoom out and question yourself. But try it. With someone you trust first. And in work to help you, I often say 'I’m going to playback to make sure I have heard correctly'. And if you are doing it correctly and focussing on the other person, the empathy part will flow naturally.

Let me know how it goes!